Speaking FOR vs. Speaking FROM
The health and happiness of a relationship is threatened when defensiveness and criticism arrive on the scene, according to the latest science on dating and marriage. Although we all get defensive and critical from time to time, the research says that for every negative interaction we need 5 positive ones to counteract the lasting impact. This statistic is convicting since it reveals just how important our interactions are. If the culture in your relationship is far more negative than it is positive, seek support fast.
As a couples therapist I believe it’s important to not overcomplicate things when I teach a communcation skill. One way to keep things simple between you and your partner is by speaking “for” instead of “from” your emotions. The reality is, we all can struggle to validate and understand our partner’s feelings or perspective when we feel misunderstood, unfairly judged or wronged. These feelings alone don’t escalate or derail a conflict though. It’s when they overtake us and we lose the ability to speak for how we feel that things go south. Speaking from a place of anger, defensiveness, shame and self-preservation sounds much different than speaking for your anger, defensiveness, shame & self-preserving urges. Here is an example of the difference:
Your partner: “Babe, I asked you to have the dishes done today. Why are they still in the sink?”
You (speaking FROM defensiveness): “Do you not remember all the stuff I dealt with today? You are so critical of me. You know I had to pick up my mom today! Cut me a break!”
Your partner: “Woah chill, I was just asking. I am not critical of you, you get so defensive!”
VERSUS
Your partner: “Babe, I asked you to have the dishes done today. Why are they still in the sink?”
You (speaking FOR your defensiveness): “I had a lot on my plate today and didn’t get around to it. I’m feeling a little defensive right now though and need some grace from you. It was a lot dealing with my mom today.”
Your partner: “I know honey. Don’t worry about it. We can tackle it together tomorrow.”
In therapy, I use an approach called “parts-work” that deals with all the unique “parts” our ourselves and how they take over or show up in response to certain triggers. A common dynamic I observe in my couples is when one partner feels like a child when their partner is giving them feedback or making a complaint. When this child-like part of them takes over they might shut down, act out or even start acting silly to lighten the mood. More often than not this escalates their partner causing them to double down on their remarks and feel even more like a critical parent.
Speaking for vs. from is crucial in moments like these. I would ask the one who starts to see their partner as a parental figure to notice that judgement and instead of embodying a child-like stance in response, to stay in their adult self and speak for their child-like part. Similarly, I would support the complaining / feedback-giving partner in communicating their needs or feelings respectfully, since it’s often the tone and tact that is triggering. This might sound something like:
Partner 1 (speaking for the part of them that is starting to feel infantilized): “When you remind me everyday about our plans this weekend I start to feel like you don’t trust that I will remember for myself.”
Partner 2:: “I don’t really trust that you will remember to be honest. Last weekend you overslept and I had to change everything last minute.”
Partner 1: “I know, and again, I am sorry for that. I’d appreciate it if you could show a bit more faith in me though. I am working hard at getting better at remembering things.”
Partner 2: “That’s fair. I will try to be less on your case” (they say as they give a playful wink & smile)
VERSUS:
Partner 1 (speaking from the part of them that is feeling infantilized): “I don’t need you on my case like my mom reminding me of our plans every 5 seconds!”
Partner 2:: “But I don’t really trust that you will remember to be honest. Last weekend you overslept and I had to change everything last minute.”
Partner 1: “Are you gonna ever let that go? It was a mistake, jeez.”
Partner 2: “Yeah, a mistake that ruined the whole day! You don’t know how much work it took to get this thing planned for us! Nor do you care apparently!”
This is why I call it a “subtle art.” As you read these interactions, the difference is minor but the consequences are massive. One subtle moment of speaking from a place of anger, resentment or fear and you might be looking at an overdrawn conflict that only needed 5 minutes to resolve. The interactions above have both happened in session, and when the couple tried again with the skill of speaking for, the air in the room un-stiffened.
Speaking for requires a level of awareness of one’s feelings and needs during conflict. Developing this awareness takes exercise, so it can be helpful to practice checking in with yourself regularly to start paying attention to your feelings and needs. I recommend the How We Feel app to aid in developing this type of of mindful awareness.
For some people, speaking for their emotions is really hard because their emotions take over too quickly, leaving no room to mindfully assess and communicate their needs. There are a lot of things that can help with this. Here are a few:
Journaling forces the brain to slow down and process feelings with more analytical thought. Developing a journaling practice can improve thoughtful reflection during conflict.
How your partner reacts to you blowing up is important. In couples therapy we would establish clear boundaries that protected your partner’s emotional space without making you feel abandoned or rejected.
The STOP skill is one that may not feel good in the moment since your urges to lash out or yell are high, but will be more effective in the long-run.
Some couples who escalate quickly find it useful to choose a one-syllable word that communicates “I am overwhelmed. I need a break. Let’s pause and reconvene.” This is helpful since the verbal processing centers in our brain shut down when we go into fight or flight.
Couples therapy is a wonderful place to learn these skills amongst many others. Couples therapy can also illuminate and address the barriers that stand in the way of using these skills willingly. If you are looking for a place to start, feel free to email juliet@greyemrbaced.com to learn more. Otherwise, here are some resources endorsed by the best couples therapist’s out there:
Take care and good luck speaking FOR your emotions :)
Juliet
