Tales From the Chair

Many clinicians (certainly not all) go into this field to make meaning out of their own circumstances and experiences. We will ourselves to transform our hurt, inner chaos, and struggles into fuel for the engine that is “therapist.” In our preparations for this life mission, we do our own “work” to ensure clients get the most effective version of ourselves. Personal counseling, ceaseless self-reflection, and lots of studying, prayer, and practice to become academically and emotionally ready for this job.

I am one of those therapists.

I will never forget the first time I sat in “the chair” in grad school. The couch had been my familiar friend far more times than that chair, that symbol of expertise and knowing. But it wasn’t imposter syndrome that I felt. It wasn’t even elation or satisfaction. I envisioned that moment to be the ultimate symbol of “making it.” But the moment came and went, like a common experience as normal as refueling your gas tank in the morning.

I had expected it to feel more surreal and intimidating. After all, the room had cameras for our professors to watch us from another room. We were recording our sessions to play out for our peers who would silently compare themselves while offering “feedback” to the class. A moment when self-consciousness should have been at an all time high, was subdued by the normalcy of it all.

Looking back, I was partly over-confident and partly desensitized to the program’s way of applying strategic pressure and vulnerability. It wasn’t until I graduated, no more recordings, no more live audiences, for me to finally have “the moment.” The moment right before a session, sitting in the chair, where it all hit me. I realized I was able to transform my vulnerabilities and darkest hours into a purpose-led life project. I have not figured it all out, nor have I conquered all the demons in my closet. And I don’t want to, because I find fulfillment in this lifelong endeavor of self-discovery and growth. Even as a therapist, I have not “made it.” I hope I never do, because then what would there be for me to reach for?

My clients will never know that what they are getting is a clinician who has been there, a clinician who has done her own inner-work, and a clinician who still does the work today. Sometimes while I sit in that chair, the moment before I go to greet a client, I am in awe at the position I’m in. Grateful to everyone who helped me get here, and motivated to keep growing and healing.

And when the client plops themselves down on the couch, letting out a sigh or fidgeting with their keys, I do not feel superior or better. I know that I still sometimes find the couch to be more comfortable than this chair, and that’s okay. I know that I will always sit in this chair more amazed at the resilient bodies that couch has held than the single resilient body this chair holds currently. And that is exactly why I do what I do. That is the gift being in the chair has given me.

- Juliet